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What can I say? I’m not going to give the spiel of life got busy, life got confusing, I fell off of the blogging wagon. But I am WELL aware that I launched my new blog, and then disappeared into the abyss, fled to instagram and then stayed there. But – here I am. A couple of months down the line, and my goodness, how life has changed (or not so much so? Idk anymore). So… here’s my little update on what’s happened since my last post.

My last post was pretty much the ending of a chapter in my life. And I guess that’s part of why I’ve been MIA – because I’ve been trying to figure out what the next chapter means and navigating my way through new waters. In my last post, I said goodbye to my therapist. Saying goodbye, in any form, is traumatic for me. And somehow, it never ever gets any easier. In some ways, knowing how much it’s going to hurt and effect me, is worse. Actually saying goodbye was emotional beyond words can say. We read goodbye letters to each other. We laughed. We cried. And putting down the phone for the last time was hard for us both; there were several “goodbyes” before the real one was said and I hung up the phone on her for the very last time.

That actually wasn’t our last communication. There was a couple of emails back and forth; and then a week later a package arrived for me. It contained everything she thought I need to get me through until we speak again. It contains a lot of our work together, including “Holly Talk” (a folder containing every little phrase that I had said over the previous six months). This was, and is something special. Not only because of the words that it contains. But because it proved that she had REALLY been listening to me. And not only that, but she cared. Cared enough to absorb them, write them down and put them back to me. The package also included something else rather wonderful; a book. A copy of Charlie Makesy’s “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse”. She said that it reminded her of all the little things that I said and lived by. Not only that, but in it, was a handwritten note. It says:

“Holly. Here’s to you. You have travelled so far. You have so much more to give and live for.”

And that is exactly what I have been trying to do.

For a while, there was a little bee on my calendar marking the day we spoke again. July 13th. The day I needed to message her and say whether or not I want to continue having private therapy with her, or not. Up until the very moment I sent the email, I still wasn’t sure what my answer was. I’d always veered towards yes. But the weeks leading up to it veered me towards no. I was torn the entire time. But my final answer was YES (which i’ll address in another post), and I start again on the 14th September!

So where exactly have I been since the 13th April?

I’m not going to lie; I’ve had to go back through my photos and instagram and twitter to be able to tell you what I’ve done. All I know is that life at times, continues to be an absolute whirlwind. At times, it continues to be slow and grinding. Sometimes, so happy i’m walking on clouds. Sometimes, still as heartbreaking as the first time I got my heartbroken. One thing is for sure, is that my life is never boring. So here’s the highlights of the past two and a half months.

  • A lot of time at home – and I mean, home home. I know that I was back at home for seven weeks whilst I was isolating. But I’ve been back home a lot more since restrictions of staying in other people’s houses were lifted. Although they were always my support bubble, and it was always okay for me to be there; it’s just more comforting. It’s also been refreshing. When I was there shielding, it was not the best of times. I found it so difficult being at home, but also having to do work. I know that it’s something that most people have had to come to terms with this past year, it’s not something I ever had to do. I truly commend people that have had to do it. It was somehow not a relaxing time for me – my anxiety kicked in, I overworked myself with the possibility of having to prove to the rest of the world that I was doing something and not just being lazy. I continued to do therapy every week despite my reservations all the whilst trying to keep it from my parents (not so easy in the same house!). Those weeks were special; I achieved so much, I raised over £100 for charity, walked 40 miles, designed my new blog. At some points I was overstretched. Looking back, I deserved more of a break. But now that i can go back home without the obligation to work – i’ve been relaxing my socks off! Hot tub, reading books, suntanning, breakfasts out and about, lunch and cocktails in pub gardens.
  • Roadtrips! – Again, with restrictions lifting, we’ve been able to go further afield. We’ve been on roadtrips to the Chiltern Hills and to Brighton with many more in the planning! I’ve dedicated a little bit less time to shopping, theatre trips and restraunt reservations to just purely being outside and exploring new places. During the first, second, (and fiftieth?) waves of the pandemics, I longed to be outside. I’m now taking every opportunity when it comes. I’ve been walking quite a lot on my days off and exploring different little bits of London on foot. Because who knows if we’ll be locked up again indoors one day? No point waiting to find out!
  • THEATRES REOPENING!!! – Theatres have officially re-opened (and at full capacity!). I got to go back to the theatre on the 22nd May – 14 months since I’d been. We went to watch Les Miz Rocks Again (The Les Mis Staged Concert) at the sodenheim theatre in the west end. Honestly, it wasn’t what I planned on seeing as my first show back. But it was delightful. To be in a crowd. To escape reality for three hours. To have the goosebumps back that I honestly haven’t experienced for 14 entire months. It made me feel alive. It sparked a part of me that I lost throughout the pandemic. And let’s put it out there. Theatre’s are safe. They are so important. No COVID cases have been linked back to theatres. Everyone is encouraged (AND REMINDED CONSTANTLY) that they HAVE to wear a mask. The couple of months where distancing was enforced were probably the most comfortable moments i’ve had being in public since the pandemic began. I’ve been to the theatre a few times again since they reopened – I took myself to see Everybody’s Talking About Jamie (A solo trip, and something that was so out of my comfort zone in spite of the fact that I used to go everywhere alone), I’ve been to Amelie (Twice!), Heathers, Be More Chill and my favourite musical in the entire world, Come From Away FINALLY reopened TWO WHOLE MONTHS after I got to go back to the theatre, on 22nd July. A lot of my trips are spontaneous and last minute. And I’ve dedicated a lot of my funds to exploring musicals I’ve never seen before instead of seeing the same few over and over again, which is really exciting.
  • I have been OUT OUT!!! – On a couple of occassions. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT a party girl. I wasn’t before COVID and it’s not my favourite scene. It’s not that I don’t like it. I love it. But I also am not a fan of the hangovers, the tiredness and everything else in between. The alcohol makes my blood sugar so high I feel sick. It also makes my anxiety worse than it already is. My anxiety is linked to a lot of seeing things that aren’t true – reading people’s faces too much, comparing myself to all the beautiful girls I see out and about who can find connection in almost anyone (no hate, if you’re beautiful, flaunt it, let the world know it!). But I have been splashing out on nights out more than I have since my uni days. We’ve been able to go out with work (something we haven’t done in almost two years). It’s been hard because a lot of new faces made their way onto ICU during the year (naturally) and we haven’t got to know each other outside of the four walls of the hospital. But I think I’ve learnt more about some of my collegues in the past month than I have in the past year. Another night out with my other friends resulted in a bill of £500. I still don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The only thing I know, is that I’d do it all over again.
  • The blog – Although I seem to have abandoned my blog and my socials connected too it, I haven’t completely forgotten about it. There’s been days where I’ve been staring at the screen, relentlessly trying to even get my feelings out and will my fingers to write. There’s been other days I’ve written for hours, and deleted. There’s been days where I haven’t logged on at all. BUT. I have done a few things behind the scenes. I’ve written guest pieces (yes, GUEST PIECES) which will be out soon (so keep an eye on my socials) and i’ve been collabing with other people when it comes to my outreach and design.

So, all in all – there hasn’t really been a solid excuse behind me about why I haven’t been on my blog so much. The main reasons behind it are

  1. Because life has been a whole lot of different without someone there to guide me. During therapy, I made so many amazing revelations and wrote SO much. But i’ve been trying to navigate those water’s myself, and it’s been difficult.
  2. I’ve basically been out there living my life and as much as i love my blog; the compute screen hasn’t been my best friend these past few months. The open air, the theatre, my friends, the hugs have.
  3. I’ve actually been having a relatively tough time – a few things have happened when have left me utterly heartbroken and even writing hasn’t been enough for me to process them.

There’s not really any grand excuse for it. It’s just what’s happened. And I feel like we don’t need to apologise for living our lives. Being human. There’s nothing more too it. It is what it is. For now, I couldn’t tell you when my next post is going up. But I’m here. I’ve been here. I’ve seen the love even when I haven’t looked like I was here. I’ll be here. I’ll try to be consistant. But I can’t guarantee it. But you’ll be the first to know when I do post.

Love

Holly.

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